This is a post that I’ve needed to write for a while now, but I waited for a few reasons. For one, I wanted to let some of the emotional trauma fade so that I could write this with a clearer head. The second reason is simple – I don’t like drama or confrontation and know that could be something I face if I post this. Third, I didn’t want to face all of these emotions again. The wound is still extremely fresh. I still feel sad and hurt every single day, and though some of the wound is less raw than it was, it is still very much there and the idea of intentionally spending an amount of time thinking about it in order to write this terrifies me. But as I talked to my best friend today about how bad my anxiety has been lately, I realized that holding onto this is only making things worse for me. I need my truth to be out there – for me. This isn’t about shaming anyone or trying to convince anyone to believe something different than they already do. This is for me. This is to help me move on and try to be more than my trauma. This, put simply, is my truth.
Some of you have some idea of what happened last month to bring me back to Oregon sooner than planned, but I imagine many of you only know that I’m back without having any idea as to the why (or maybe you didn’t realize I had even left). For those out of the loop, last October I moved to Michigan to be with my boyfriend. A few months ago we had decided that we were going to move back to Oregon next April. We wanted more time with his family, especially his little sister, and this would allow us one more winter of snow forts with her and celebrating one more birthday with her before leaving. I was desperately homesick, but knowing we were going to be moving next year had calmed most of that, and I had begun to plan for things that I would do in my last year in Michigan. I was actually excited to have a little more time. Last month, on June 13th, things changed in ways we never could have imagined and Sean and I began our journey back to Oregon early.
Now, this may jump around a bit, as some things may not make sense without context from past events or conversations. I apologize. I will try to make this as concise as I can, but it is still a tangled mess in my brain. I will also only be using first initials for the three main people in this post (other than Sean), as those close to the story will know who I am referring to without me having to put their names out there.
Sean’s family knew I suffered from depression before I moved back there. During the events that led to us leaving early, M (Sean’s dad) tried to claim that they didn’t realize I had a mental illness until I was already under their roof. My depression had been awful when I first moved, as I was terribly homesick. It eased in time, and I even got myself a job and tried to find some level of normal. Over time, my depression began to worsen and I realized my job was playing a part. I needed to seek professional help, probably change my medications as I’d been on the same ones for a long time, and focus on me. This meant leaving this job. I spent weeks going back and forth and discussing it with Sean before I finally knew it was what I had to do. On Friday June 8th I quit my job. The following Sunday the family was having a free sale – a garage sale for family and friends where everything was free. I had wanted to talk to J (Sean’s step mom) about my current struggle with depression for a while, but didn’t want to bring it up in front of his little sister. I found a moment where I could speak with her alone. I told her how bad it had been and that it was why I had to quit my job. I told her with recent events in media (two celebrities had recently committed suicide) I felt like it was a safe time I could open up and more people could understand. I told her that there were days I wished I hadn’t woken up (or days where I wished I wasn’t alive – not 100% on which of those wordings I used, but it was a “I’m tired of fighting this depression” statement not an “I’m going to kill myself” statement). She hugged me and told me she was glad I had trusted her enough to talk to her. The next couple of days proceeded as normal. Monday was an average day and Tuesday Sean and I attended a concert out of town. Then Wednesday the 13th rolled around. Now, here is a place to note something from the past. I had multiple moments of insecurity where I would confide to Sean that I felt unwanted or like something was wrong. Insecurity is something I have struggled with for a long time, so I knew there was a good chance it was all in my head, and Sean assured me that he was pretty sure it was just my insecurities. Now, back to Wednesday. Sean and I needed to grab a few things from the grocery store, so we headed out. When we informed J we were leaving, something felt off. We got in the car and I told Sean. Before he could even say anything, I told him I knew I was being crazy, it was just how I felt but I knew it made no sense. We came home and everything seemed normal other than M being extremely quiet. He had been dealing with a lot of back pain lately, though, so we assumed that was the cause. After we all did the dishes, I sat in the living room with J and E to watch TV. M asked Sean if they could talk. They went outside and were gone for a while. Everything seemed normal inside, all of us girls interacting as normal. Sean came in after a while extremely upset and ran downstairs. I could tell from the look on J’s face that she knew what had happened. I rushed after Sean and found out that, essentially, I was unwanted. M had opened the conversation with, “If there is any chance of Katie killing herself under my roof I want her out.” Sean assured him I wasn’t a threat to myself or to E, that E meant the world to both of us, and that the worst my depression ever got was me wanting to go home. M asked why I hadn’t just done that then. Sean told him I stayed for him, so we could have more time with his family. I was called a poison among other things, and nothing Sean had to say mattered to his dad. M told Sean he didn’t want to talk to me because I’d be too emotional, but he also told Sean that it didn’t matter what Sean said because he couldn’t speak on my behalf.
I got no cell service at the house so we both got in my car and drove into town so I could call my mom. When we arrived back “home” M wanted to talk to Sean. Sean didn’t want to talk to him, so M asked if I would talk to him. I reluctantly agreed. I hate confrontation and I usually bottle my emotions when I’m mad at anyone outside of a very tight circle in my life. When my loved ones are hurt, however, I turn into a Mama Bear. I was pissed and hurt and I wasn’t about to hide that. We went outside, where I also informed M that I wasn’t a threat. I told him depression had been a part of almost my entire life and I had never been a serious threat to myself, that E meant the world to me. M informed me that J had told him that I had come to her and told her I wanted to kill myself and she wanted me out and he wouldn’t allow a danger like that around his daughter. I was shocked and so hurt. I confided in J and she turned around and twisted what I said. In all honesty, at this point neither of us believed J was actually the bad guy, that M was making this up, that he was the one to twist it. Later events have made us realize that both parties were likely involved. I told him that wasn’t what I said, that I know better than to say something like that to anyone. We argued and I turned and went back inside and downstairs to pack.
M came downstairs after a while and started in again. We told him that we had both told him I wasn’t a threat, but it didn’t seem to matter what either of us said, his mind was made up that I wasn’t welcome. M said that I told him that “while I was medicated.” I was so confused about what that was supposed to mean, as I’ve spent the better part of the last 14 years medicated. Later, Sean informed me that M believes anti depressants make things worse, not better. Things clicked a bit that my mental health was not accepted, but this didn’t all click into place until we were on the road back to Oregon. M made comments about me staying downstairs because I’m “sick.” Now, Sean was upfront with his family when I stayed downstairs because I was depressed, homesick, or sick. Depression lowers the immune system’s defenses. I get sick frequently. I was not “sick,” I was physically ill. I was informed that I contributed no value because I didn’t do enough around the house. Now, first of all, I do not believe that chores make a person’s worth. That is a messed up way to think. Second of all, I would have gladly done anything asked of me, but as no one had ever directed me to specific chores, I primarily did the dishes sometimes. I was told it helped a lot and was greatly appreciated, but apparently not enough to make me valuable. Thirdly, we were paying rent to live there, so while I was perfectly fine with helping around the house, I don’t agree with their way of thinking on this matter at all. The money they received each month should have been my value if me as a person wasn’t enough. But I digress. Sean and I told M that we had a hard time believing J was really behind this as she hadn’t said a word and had always seemed supportive. This is when M informed me that J wanted me out from the first month I was there. Every fear, every insecurity, every little whisper I had heard for the last 8 months came crashing in around me. I wasn’t crazy. I was unwanted. This was my family, or so I thought, and they had never wanted me. The devastation I felt in that moment can only be rivaled by the loss of my dad a couple of years ago. There was a lot of arguing, mostly with me sitting silently on the bed only interjecting when I was upset enough or was defending myself or Sean. M said it was clear I had never respected him, which was 100% untrue. I told him that I had, but I no longer did after everything that had happened that night. He went upstairs and within minutes came back downstairs to inform me I was no longer welcome in his house. We told him that was very clear, and continued packing. A little while later, M came in and apologized to Sean for how things went down, told him there was no “love lost,” and that he would always have a home there. Neither of us looked up in the moment, so it wasn’t until later that we realized that this apology was only for Sean, which is good because I think I would have completely broken if I had realized in the moment that he felt no remorse for how he’d treated me. We left the next day on our journey back to Oregon. M spent that day sending texts to Sean about how toxic I am and how he’s going down a bad path being with me. Sean finally informed him that he had nothing left to say to him until they apologized to me. We’re still waiting, but I’m not holding my breath.
So many other things went on in the course of all of this, and has continued to go on over the past six and a half weeks since we left, and I would love to post each and every one of those things here, but I decided when I first thought to write this that I would try to avoid any bits of information that weren’t needed. My goal isn’t to drag anyone through the mud, as much as part of me would love to. My goal is to tell the truth. Now, I have been informed that the truth is not what our family back in Michigan was given, and that is another reason why posting this was important for me. I need the truth to be out there, whether anyone believes it or not. I understand that M and J are family, and I am a stranger that lived there for 8 months. I don’t know that I would believe me either, but I had to know that my truth was available.
- M and J never tried to get me help as they are telling people, and as follows, I didn’t reject said help by going to the basement every time they tried to help.
- Things did not escalate when E’s name was brought into the conversation. It was brought in at the very end, out of my fear and concern for her, but I’m not going to post about that part of the conversation as I’d like to leave her out of this as much as possible.
- Sean was not too livid to talk to M, as I stated above how the conversation went. Everything was fine until the talk began, and Sean kept his cool for quite a while considering the things his dad was saying.
Any bit of the wound that had healed was ripped wide open when I learned that I was being turned into a villain and they were turning themselves into rejected heroes. Why lie? The truth could have easily been slightly twisted to still make them not look like bad guys without completely altering what happened. Ultimately, my relationship with Sean was strengthened, and we each learned that the other is stronger than we thought. It was life changing for us both in so many ways. It was traumatic and will live with me for a very long time, but I know we both grew out of it, and I trust that God has a plan.
Let me leave you with one piece of advice before I go. When someone comes to you for help, opening themselves up to you, you should never turn away from them. While in my case I was not suicidal (luckily), they are trying to claim I was, and their response to that was to turn me away, to kick me out of their home in a state that was new and unfamiliar to me? If I had been a danger to myself, that would have been more than enough to push me over the edge. So next time someone comes to you looking for support, think before you act. Don’t do something you may look back and regret. My story may have ended okay (or as okay as it could), but that may not be the case with the next person that reaches out for a hand to help them from the darkness. Don’t be the one to let them fall, or worse, to push them.